There was a little solace that evening amidst the tears she was shedding for the cats.
Her mother felt guilt to the core, “I have separated a mother from the children. It would come upon me.”
The owner was not staying within the campus.
There was another family on the first floor. A shop stood on the front of the house as we occupied the rear end. The next door neighbour were a newly wed couple and they had a child, a very bright and cute child.
We would often hear him talk in the night. He would get up in the middle of the night and start talking, all child talks.
One day as we were awake, he woke up in the middle of the night and asked his mother,
“How many are coming?” Their bedroom was close to their bedroom, so close that the snores of the man disturbed us whenever we were awake at night.
The next day they were supposed to be having some guests. She had a good time hearing his words and looking at him over the window whenever we were sad.
She tried again to forget it all, what happened in the home, to remember her purpose in that city.
She used to return at eleven in the night and sometimes she would be alone at home. The houses were closely built and the attraction of this place was a small mound on which stood a temple close by.
The temple had four doors and was built in Dravidian architecture, indeed beautiful a place to be in, the wind could blow you away anytime, if you were not cautious, it would seem to be so.
In the month of May, her sister expressed a desire to come to the city to complete her education, a masters degree.
Her mother and she searched colleges and organisations for a feasible price. The donations were often huge for several organisations. She could not afford so much. Her salary wasn’t enough to support all of them more than their daily maintenance.
It is in this home, that she was attacked by the men, while she headed to the temple on the mound. No one could confirm the attack, but for the first time, I was scared for her. Such an attack, on a woman without physical desires seemed improbable in a developing nation like India. The so called Kudos population was trying every bit to run away from the evils of yesteryears. The burden on the present generation was immense, it had little resources left, it was thickly populated, it had to know to maintain the lands.
New Kumar was tapped on the phone again by us. He was innocent fortunately and I was happy for the first time that Shrum had made a rightful assessment towards a human. Whatever she said about him, came true as we knew him better passively. The guy had although no knowledge that he could have been on the focal point with all the lights turned on him. We understood his pain, and yet Shrum was angry on him for his words and for making her a focus. It was tough handling so much.
Meanwhile, I had failed my first attempt and so had Lizzy. We both had to give up a few things. Lizzy had to give up boys, drinking and smoking to realign to a routine. She had only enough to support her for another year. I was working but considering the involvement of our offices which secretly worked on retaining the workforce by being the Satan Satin in their workers life, collecting information and using the data against the people when required was becoming tough to handle. When I failed, people asked me about my failure. Even though I had not told them.
They made fun of me, gave me a few flyers which indicated some organisations where we could train ourselves for these courses. I checked a few prices, given my confidence was lowly, a lakh, a few thousand bucks. It did not seem worth, given those organisations had no background support to help me stand up.
Whoever comes first, I would marry you,
Either of you since this is where I end.
I call it a chance.
I call it fate.
Whoever comes first, I would care for you,
Either of you, since this is where I begin.
I call it a stance.
I call it a date.
Whoever comes first, I would live with you, always.
Either of you, since this is where I return.
I call it a dance.
I call it a gate.
Whoever comes first, I would love you always,
Either of you, since this is where I belong.
I call it a trance.
I call it a mate.
Whoever comes first, I would be honest with you,
Either of you, since this is where I grow.
I call it a glance.
I call it a wait.
Whoever comes first, I would be clear with you,
Either of you, since I do not discriminate.
I call it a balance.
I call it a fate.
Whoever comes first, I would wish to be friends with you,
Either of you, since I respect and want an end to this game,
I call it a zeal, a parlance.
I call it a latte.
Some of us live sometime,
Some of us live always,
Some of us live never,
Some of us live less.
What can I do for it?
What can I do then?
It was not right,
What you did.
It was not right,
What you thought.
It was right,
you created a raucous.
It was wrong,
you created a focus.
What can I do for it?
What can I do then?
It is sometimes that we
cannot cross the barriers.
some people, their love
or their hatred.
We cannot cross these men,
since they do not want to leave.
If they do not leave, they can stay.
But, if one wants to stay,
Is it not good to know how
I want to stay with a person.
How I want to take a person.
After all, every attachments requires
two to make it seem like it’s joined.
What can I do for it?
What can I do then?
Now, when they don’t come.
What do you do?
Do you go, stay, create, fake some.
What do you say?
Okay, come let’s see if it works
But then again they don’t come.
But again they don’t turn.
What can I do for it?
What can I do then?
Love is like salt,
It creates a taste.
Love is like sugar,
Do not haste.
Love for him
was warm and whims.
Someone’s love for me
was unknown and free.
But, then the man who hid
all this while under the lid.
The man who showed up
to me like a cup.
Life can be confusing at times.
Yet, I respect your feelings,
still now. You could talk to me
like a friend in the making.
But, you chose not to, though
I was there to listen.
You can still come back
Lay your heart bare on the stack.
I would listen to you still
not doing a favour.
Not intending to savour
Just like a man talks to the woman
If at all he likes her,
We can create a bond, a holy matrimony.
For my love can’t stay, taken he stands aloof.
But, yours can, if I choose you,
We all have darkness and dampness.
I too, have them as my sharpness.
If you can see through me.
If you do not want to flee from me?
Love for me was already taken,
I am not at all shaken
For love once for him was true.
But if love for you is also true,
Then let’s get bonded, slowly pure.
I will spend my life, strive
through my ways, till I go back
where I began, if the one I love
and one who loves me does not turn up.
I am free yet I respect you both.
If I am with the one I love,
I will live till the end with you only if you come.
If I live with the one who once claimed to love me.
I will live till the end with you only if you come.
Love is not coming my way
in forms it exists around my pay.
I pay to eat, I pay to sleep,
I pay to be happy,
I pay when I am sad too.
I always pay, when I have none.
I pay in kind if I can’t pay cash.
I pay to unwind and be a dash.
I pay to be happy.
So, do I now pay for love?
For love is not coming my way.
I sat back to think, to mourn, to laugh.
I sat back to know I won’t.
I won’t pay in cash or kind for the sake of love.
For I do not take love as a game.
I was told I was loved,
By a silhouette who never came
to talk straight on the face.
To tell me through the haze.
But, I waited though I did not love.
For a friend in me, I thought existed to accept the love.
But, then the brown eyed, gap in the tooth guy
never came and the game got real sly.
I quietly withdrew, yet the day he left I spoke soft.
Then, I found a face, fell in love.
People said it won’t happen, coz I betrayed one.
And that he was already taken.
If no one talks is it still betrayal for
I do not pay to buy love.
If no one puts it forth,
Can I jump onto the knees?
Will that be sane for the world?
Or will that be the way to pay
to be loved and get love.
The one I loved will never happen for
I have it seems hurt one.
Fine then I say.
Come to me and say
Say if it’s true and not a game
Say if it’s nothing to do with any form of pay.
Say and I may see the truth now and stay.
But say not through hoardings, not through others,
Say through your mouth with a cute gap between your tooth.
Say and I may see the truth now and stay by you,
Who knows how long but long enough to respect your love.
You need not be nasty, need not be a nerd, need
not dress differently to be heard.
Say and I would listen, for smelling it works
It works for me, but saying would work for both.
Let’s sort it out, and if your soul was true as they say.
Let’s talk and see where you could not care more.
If you do not talk I do not go down to harness
an insult or a joke. You made enough fun
of me for no reason. So know, I still
do not pay to love or be loved.
Reach a space either recede or come.
For I have a long way to go then.
I have a long way beyond the one who loved me and whom I loved
If I may say so, for I never have hate and many gates.
I have a long way to go, the bells toll, the praying wheels
Clang calling me their very own.
I must go since there, to love silence I need never pay.
I want to know sometime,
What made you twist the plot?
What made you dislike me?
What made you connive against me?
What made your brown eyes hollow?
What made you not talk to me?
What made you feel odd with the Buddha?
What made you sit back in fumes?
What made your smile crooked for me?
I never intended to harm you.
I never intended to warm you.
I never spoke bad about you.
I never tried anything more than being a friend ever.
Friend as the word goes.
For I don’t think you loved.
I am sure you didn’t.
For if you did, as they said,
Was talking so hard, symbology is not my way.
God bless you wide.
It was more twisted than I thought it was
Straighten it, or let it go hide.
Teasing, bullying, fighting was never what
I wanted to do,
For I was counting my days.
I dislike to hide,
what I feel, but I don’t feel the tide.
I dislike to hate,
But then I do hate at times.
I hate to let unassuming people
Come within, yet I do not
hate friends, once were friends.
I hate to be stabbed at the back,
I hate to be murdered in cold blood.
I hate to not like it all.
I hate to not find it all.
I hate when I say yes and
people take it as “no.”
I hate when I say no and
people take it as Yes.
I hate when people try
to enter through wrong ways.
Every man has a way, so do I.
I hate to say that and this.
Yet, I do not hate none.
I hate none, yet I do not
wish to hate at all.
I hate to be twisted.
I hate to be tossed.
I hate when women are called weak.
I hate when women are pressed down.
I hate when humans take other humans for granted.
I hate when humans live like dead.
I hate when humans die to stay breathing & alive.
Sometimes we know by smells,
whom we meet?
Sometimes we know by the brown eyes
Who it was?
Sometimes the small gap between teeth
Makes it quite clear.
Sometimes you smell all of it.
Sometimes you smell past smells.
Sometimes you smell questions
Sometimes you smell to know why?
Is it an attempt to begin?
An attempt to end?
But, what was in question?
What was happening?
Questions often don’t get us
anywhere when you have people
around you who do not act like couple
yet try to behave like one.
Is it a desire?
Is a wish?
They don’t know perhaps.
Come out in the open.
Fear not, for I hate none.
A genuine gesture, a kind one,
A caring hand always counts.
Question is how kind, how caring
to what degree? To what extent.
Speaking heart on straight
is the only way to reach hearts.
Speaking is the only way to let
know the good and the bad.
For the smells always tell me all.
It’s just that I prefer brave, strong, genuine souls.
It’s just that you have to stand to talk,
For I never hated anyone, angry yes
You were dumbasses, you do not
see it straight like me. Look straight,
Into the eyes, it was never enmity.
I don’t make enemies.😁😇
There was not much beyond this, she was tired. There was only one question in her mind.
Why the heck was she living this life.
More followed for her.
While she was trying to search for a home, I had gone on a week leave to my home.
During this time, she lost ten thousand bucks. The house she chose was on the fourth floor with no lift.
Initially this seemed quite alright but then there was no water, Cauvery water was not available. They had to share the terrace and it was divided separately. There was no wardrobe. Shrum’s father had to stay back for her sister and her mother could only come. Her mother was the only one who could help her, since she was working still on Diwalis, Christmas and even her birthdays.
The current owner had asked Shrum to leave. The reason was petty and huge.
1) The kittens jumped over one of his window. That was their fault.
He asked her to get a licence for having five cats in his home.
She argued in vain.
Every time the owner called Shrum to his office to put a list of offences the poor kittens had done, Tirki would slide down and sit outside the office door quietly, giving her moral support.
Shrum had promised her, she would not leave her.
But, she felt for the first time that the people she was facing was not only weak. They were also to the core, lunatics. Or else, who would try to put a human down based on such a petty issue?
The owner also fought even with a neighbor for owning a license for the dog.
Later, I tapped his phone, which showed otherwise. He acted well trying again a trick to scare Shrum.
The last week he turned the switch board off and there was no light and electricity connection for a week.
The mother and daughter had to bear darkness for a week.
So, when she tried finding a home, in the first two days she lost ten thousand bucks.
The home she saw on fourth floor refused to pay back the advance she had given them in lieu of considering the house, so she had no one who could just tell them to return it back.
Everyone gave advices,
“You must have had someone to back you up.” Question is who.
So, they wanted her to adopt a male friend come boyfriend for such a petty matter?
“We could have tried but you know I have no time.”
No one was asking you in the first place. If you can’t help at least keep quiet.
“Seriously, my goodness I can’t believe that old man and his sons could do such things. He is a contractor he has no dearth of money after all.”
Yeah, boggy mass and dungeon headed fool, greedy for money.
After all, dowry needs to be paid for daughters and sons need it, to get into jobs, degrees and exotic holidays.
Daughter-in-laws need it for parlours.
Grandchildren need it for getting into rich schools.
Poor girl was robbed in broad daylight. Repeated pleas and requests were turned down completely by the man who also misbehaved with them.
Then, they finally found a home. It was good but there was a broker who did the transaction. Though there was a tea shop which sold cigarettes and the whole place would be crowded with goofy men who found solace in dripping nicotine in their blood.
Shrum had to take the house, she could not continue there any further.
She was very upset since that very morning a policeman came strolling in front of the house and stood against the tree in front of the house. He patrolled several times. Her mother saw this owner talking to him as well.
So, her mother suggested that she may try leaving the kids a little further as told by the owner, which could save them from any trouble.
Her heart still feels that wound so often. She took the two kittens who trusted her the most in a sack and wanted to leave them in a pet shop who agreed to keep them. But, the shock of being betrayed ran the four month old kittens ashtray.
We often so much want others to trust us, perhaps so that we can betray them easily.
She left the place like Wumice, never even once she wanted to turn back now that she left it.
Hurt, bewilderment and lunacy are the only words which can define her feelings towards the mass, though it has better prepared her to recognise such people in the beginning. But, a wound is not to be healed. The wanton essence and a strong lacking of security almost nearly drove her to the brink of fear.
The kitten who trusted her the most did not look back as it crossed the big road and flee. The one, Felicis which trusted Wumice looked back once and turned into a wood shop vanishing behind a pile.
It turned Shrum crazy. Till date she prays for them. Till date she has not forgotten neither forgiven herself for it, nor that man and his ill willed wife, Meera.
Tirki left with the other two kids, and snarled at her once before she vanished on the terraces linked to each home.
Shrum had told him one day,
“I think you need to learn to coexist with other creatures in the world and you say you run an NGO which helps plants and animals to flourish? She had screamed once.
The day she left the owners wife brought two squirrels and told Shrum, “you say we don’t know how to coexist. See, I have two pet squirrels and you say we don’t know how to coexist? Hmmm.” A faint bickering smile left her face.
Is it crime to not tolerate stupidity at every point?
She informed him that, “I have left two children away from her and the cat left with the other two. Just as you had told.” He laughed like Voldie thingie In the last Harry Potter movie.
Voldemort laugh, a deeply shrill voiced laugh when a person has enjoyed some deceitful action fully.
Shrum knew she had not done right listening to her mother and grew angry, very angry on her, for not accepting her alternative suggestions.
But, then she knew her mother was anxious and old. Her mother was crying and deeply worried seeing the policeman around who was there when she was leaving at six in the evening.
Now, office was not at all in her mind. When her manager Pure called, she was busy settling the money she was to get as return. Her mother picked up the phone and cried telling him a bit of the harassment. The man told her if she needed any help to call him back so that he could send her someone, if at all required.
Her mother told her the same when she returned back.
Now, how did the owner come to know this point, is still a mystery. He argued with his wife who was not ready to pay even a penny to her.
“Didn’t you hear, if someone comes from her office in reality she might have to go to prison as we can’t back off now and also us if she grows wings. It is not the case though, she has no help in the city, helpless little insecure bugger.”
When the conversation was happening Shrum was there with him in the office.
Now, it was almost seven when they reached the new house. The owner looked to be an educated as well as decent man, a man in whom education has created decency.
She was worried. She was sad. She was awkwardly restless.
She was not participating in any wrong doing anywhere and we would guide her for everything. We told her to be very cautious.
To further add to her woes, she found people around her.
People who looked at her each time she went out abnormally whispering and talking in ways she could often not describe.
One day a fish seller, saw her smiled and whispered to his neighbour,
“People will make her ashes. We all can have a nice meal.” They laughed. There were so many of them.
Shrum began feeling the weight of this nonsense. She did not know the way.
At office she began to be quieter. Meanwhile we tried our best, to make our lives work.
She was trying her best to stay strong. She had women whom she lived for, her mother, sister, us. Meanwhile I burdened her with my pain.
Sucheta’s mother got down with ovarian Cx, even that depressed her.
She went, spoke to her, cried at home.
I felt sorry for making her do such a stupid stuff.
Now, I knew that New Kumar was not really a strong man who had adopted to play as the flute, his holes were deep.
Neither could she blame them, their phones revealed their worries and fears.
At the same time, we could not keep them close. It would harm us.
Sometimes it is very difficult to say, if what we think and how we act is always right or our judgements are correct. But, then if we do not act in times of great need how do we manage?
How do we live our lives?
How do we show what we want, how do we want to live?
What is more important for us?
They say wise are always unsure on how to act and stupid can always consider there one step to be the most righteous.
Similar thing was happening here to us.
We were not wise, definitely not. Wisdom is a tough word for a forty year old mostly.
But, somehow we hesitated to act. We were listening to many lives and each life was not our direct enemy and was only trying to remove Shrum out of their life, even Sun’s ray. He was bound by his limitations and his own challenges to prove others his worth. Yes, he might have had enough to not act wrong at times, decrepitude did not seem to be his case.
Forgiving them was making two random problems exist
1) They were considering it to be a sign of backing off and they were thrusting more unnecessary pressure into forms and shapes that did not exist.
2) They were not understanding that we were not averse or their enemies.
They were treating her as such and was trying to prove the world that Shrum was guilty and hence they were harassing her.
Shrum was bearing the load of their tiny, single handed understanding, tunnelled vision and the enclosed eyes of a horse. Just like a horse would get nervous if you keep him open and would waft off or run lesser to the target and only when you tie its eyes will it run faster. It seemed to Shrum they were some such creatures.
We had to just keep the horses under our control and we had to fly away from scorpions not taking their sting.
It was hard to act. Wait and watch, flee when required, not telling truth in entirety was what was working for then.
Understanding is the art of intelligence.
When she met this doctor she was happy.
Finally we had managed to not bear their tooth for tooth pains.
Even now, two years later she acts like a doe if we name him.
But, then she found her happiness and is trying to find her happiness doing things which do not create such lacunae in a human soul. She is merely happy finding him. As simple as that, simplistic and overtly, puckishly simple, unbelievably simple.
Her world has ended with him within and yet her happiness hasn’t. She prays for his happiness. I can’t take it sometimes, yet I know her since she was a kid almost to know it’s true, she misses him, prays for the world to keep him happy and well fed, well looked after every single day.
She meditated daily, every single day.
Her lacunae gets filled with love from somewhere. But we three friends had our own pits and the lacunae was not filling.
When I asked her to write so much about her, initially she was not willing to do so.
Note- But, then I forced her and Lizzy forced her too to just put the content on the blog and so she does it for us, often typing without reading, justice to the story we began is required.